The reality of "dating" is not what it used to be, that is a true statement that is honest for me.
Time is a luxury I can not afford, a sitter is required just to get out the door, I'm in college no more. I am a divorcee with two boys so a night on the town is needed but eludes me for chores.
But I'm the type of woman who wants to have a man to hold my hand and stand for "our land". So I make the effort of dating, an effort it is, my potential asks "what would you like to do" and I think anything without kids. My second thought is lay down, I am tired and run down. Just to laugh and to talk lying horizontal and not walk.
But I can't for obvious reasons, sex is very teasing and you're still a stranger so it is not proper. I hope to hold out for the marital altar. I do.
So dating me is 15 minutes you see. I'll meet you for coffee and then we shall see, what will be will be. At this age in the game you know or you don't, are you the one for me or do I still travel alone? Don't get me wrong, love grows like a flower, but in 15 minutes I can sense our power of you and me if we should go forward or flee.
If the flow is good let's take 20 minutes and see, if you and me can share the reality of what we both want to create, to build with a helpmate. Then if we feel the glow of the flow, let's take a walk. Chemistry is in motion not just in talk.
Do you and I feel good side by side? Do we bump when we walk? Do you grab my arm and guide me from a stumble that might happen? If I inhale as you do then there is electricity I can feel it from you.
Then there is the goodbye, always awkward and shy. Do we kiss or shake hands what's appropriate in this foreign land of "dating"? Sometimes I am playful and I watch as he thinks do I go for the kiss oh what will she think? And I wait.
For me that kiss is a gateway to possibility, that first kiss is major don't blow it baby. If our kiss makes me tingle and hungry for more I will pull away in a good way and wait for some more. Later, I'm taking my time.
Time is a luxury I'm willing to wait, for that moment by moment that leads to the gate of forever...the plan if you are my man. I don't kiss just to kiss well sometimes I slip.
So in 15 or 20 the date will reveal if you and me can possible be we over time, the real deal, then go deeper...to an hour that is sweeter.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tight Rope Walker
She had done this walk many times before
Stepping out on the wire
Nervous, excited, confident
Lights blinding her eyes but she always felt at home in the spotlight
She could sense and feel her way
Balance, focus, breathe, slow and steady
Once again she set out
This time was different
She didn’t know if she would succeed or crash to the net
She wanted to retire but kept the smile
It’s always show time on the wire
Stepping out on the wire
Nervous, excited, confident
Lights blinding her eyes but she always felt at home in the spotlight
She could sense and feel her way
Balance, focus, breathe, slow and steady
Once again she set out
This time was different
She didn’t know if she would succeed or crash to the net
She wanted to retire but kept the smile
It’s always show time on the wire
The Ledge
I walk up to the edge of the ledge and as I stand there I look into a great abyss…
I am solid in my stance but my heart beats at a frantic pace. I must slow it down and breathe or I might slip into a trip that was not intended for me.
As I stand at the edge of the ledge I question many things, I ponder what lies ahead of me and what brought me to the question of what’s next? I want to fly and to soar like an eagle in flight but my mind want to argue and start with the fight of me do I have the right of flight?
As I stand at the edge of the ledge do I feel peace? Will I plunge into victory or land in defeat crashing down to the ground at a death of complete over? Or will I be caught by the one I know called Jehovah? Did He bring me to the edge of the ledge to see if I would leap into an unknown plan and bow down at His feet or will I continue my way which brought me to weep at the edge of this ledge do I choose to compete or defeat?
As I stand at the ledge I feel stuck paralyzed. Do I turn back to comfortable and crawl back inside to the façade of functional, productive and responsible when really I’m so lost I can’t stand to be punctual anymore.
As I stand at the edge of the ledge I ponder how did I get here? I thought, so I thought I was moving in the “right” direction. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a rebel but to some degree in me I wanted to seem level headed. So I tried to do it by “whoever” wrote the book and it blew up in my face and makes me take a look at why and where and who I am now going to grow into. I stand at the ledge as I look into infinite and dismal.
As I stand at the edge of the ledge I am grateful to stand at the edge of the ledge because baby, so many people don’t or won’t but I did and do. The pretty the ugly and the true is what I do. At the edge of the ledge will I stand, leap, fly or fall? One step out and I will know it all for that one quick moment in time.
Have you been to the edge of the ledge even for a minute?
I am solid in my stance but my heart beats at a frantic pace. I must slow it down and breathe or I might slip into a trip that was not intended for me.
As I stand at the edge of the ledge I question many things, I ponder what lies ahead of me and what brought me to the question of what’s next? I want to fly and to soar like an eagle in flight but my mind want to argue and start with the fight of me do I have the right of flight?
As I stand at the edge of the ledge do I feel peace? Will I plunge into victory or land in defeat crashing down to the ground at a death of complete over? Or will I be caught by the one I know called Jehovah? Did He bring me to the edge of the ledge to see if I would leap into an unknown plan and bow down at His feet or will I continue my way which brought me to weep at the edge of this ledge do I choose to compete or defeat?
As I stand at the ledge I feel stuck paralyzed. Do I turn back to comfortable and crawl back inside to the façade of functional, productive and responsible when really I’m so lost I can’t stand to be punctual anymore.
As I stand at the edge of the ledge I ponder how did I get here? I thought, so I thought I was moving in the “right” direction. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a rebel but to some degree in me I wanted to seem level headed. So I tried to do it by “whoever” wrote the book and it blew up in my face and makes me take a look at why and where and who I am now going to grow into. I stand at the ledge as I look into infinite and dismal.
As I stand at the edge of the ledge I am grateful to stand at the edge of the ledge because baby, so many people don’t or won’t but I did and do. The pretty the ugly and the true is what I do. At the edge of the ledge will I stand, leap, fly or fall? One step out and I will know it all for that one quick moment in time.
Have you been to the edge of the ledge even for a minute?
Him and Me...what will or won't be?
The two of us meet, it seemed to complete the search for the love that we desperately need. Our feelings were true, not a lie from me to you.
I was ready so ready for us to be the reality of lifelong love from here to eternity.
The passion, the joy , the anger, the pain, the loss and the gain this is and was not a game, for me or for you for I know your heart is true, and so is mine but it was shrinking over time.
This was not our fault or maybe it was, if we are honest with ourselves we were not planting good seeds. A lifelong commitment can’t be rushed in a few days, we got ahead of ourselves, not doing it God’s way. But that’s ok, you see, we learn, grow and receive, wisdom from each other and from God our heavenly father.
We made decisions based on love but also on geography. That’s not enough. I wanted you and you wanted me and nothing would stop us bull headed are we. To do things right, get to know each other, not in a night, to be married man and wife to live separate till it is right for God to give us the go ahead. You said it best, we got ahead of God and that’s ok, I know he was here showing us the way of maybe a chance to get it right. Step back, take time, really know each other heart, body and mind, before we jump in to a big reality. We never had the chance for me to know you and you to know me.
It got really intense, really fast, too much speed. Real life is that way so we need to learn how to breathe and step back, take a minute to remind ourselves why were in it. For love, strong and true it takes time not just for me and you but for us to learn each other without fear, anger or intimidation. I was shrinking away and not able to say it. I’m alive, emotional, passionate, animated, sarcastic not malicious and I’m light with the laughter. I smile, a lot. I am loud you are not. I’m a big loving heart that wants to express, I know your heart is the same so maybe this was a test to see you and me if we can be, but do it right, I’m not closing the door or saying good night to the chance of our life to be man and wife but to do it right oh love to do it right.
I want to love you, to need you, to believe in you and to see you grow into the man that God has in plan. Will we be husband and wife? We might if we do it right. Step back and take time, not let money or distance dictate our steps. Can we get it together this was only a test that we did not fail. We are learning and growing, be patient I say to us and give God back the wheel. To be together I will treasure but only if it’s real. And only time will tell so I don’t count you out, your still the man that moved my soul and made me want to shout I’m in love, forever I found him my man, and love in my heart that still can be the plan.
Let’s get ourselves together and maybe we might have the right to fight for our love but not in a night. Good seed and good soil. It is required for love to grow, slowly not in a few hours of I love you and you love me so it’s settled just like that, no it didn’t work for you or me.
I am open to you and want us to be, if you don’t shut the door than maybe we will see the possibility of our lives really becoming one. Based on faith, fun and laughter, responsibility here and after until the time is right for us to take flight. I hope you keep our love alive and don’t shut the door. It does not have to be over but it has to be mature and that happens over time. You can’t rush time. When and if you come to me and I to you it will be done with integrity, dignity too. Not rushed because of situations that We want to change but because we do the work both the love and the pain of changing and healing and growing and knowing that no matter what we are on each others side, never to question a look or some quiet or a gesture or anything. We just know and trust each other and maybe one day we will get there and that is the love we both deserve.
Are you in it? Even from a distance? I miss you already and I love you more deeply because I know you more intimately and I thank you. Thank You.
M
I was ready so ready for us to be the reality of lifelong love from here to eternity.
The passion, the joy , the anger, the pain, the loss and the gain this is and was not a game, for me or for you for I know your heart is true, and so is mine but it was shrinking over time.
This was not our fault or maybe it was, if we are honest with ourselves we were not planting good seeds. A lifelong commitment can’t be rushed in a few days, we got ahead of ourselves, not doing it God’s way. But that’s ok, you see, we learn, grow and receive, wisdom from each other and from God our heavenly father.
We made decisions based on love but also on geography. That’s not enough. I wanted you and you wanted me and nothing would stop us bull headed are we. To do things right, get to know each other, not in a night, to be married man and wife to live separate till it is right for God to give us the go ahead. You said it best, we got ahead of God and that’s ok, I know he was here showing us the way of maybe a chance to get it right. Step back, take time, really know each other heart, body and mind, before we jump in to a big reality. We never had the chance for me to know you and you to know me.
It got really intense, really fast, too much speed. Real life is that way so we need to learn how to breathe and step back, take a minute to remind ourselves why were in it. For love, strong and true it takes time not just for me and you but for us to learn each other without fear, anger or intimidation. I was shrinking away and not able to say it. I’m alive, emotional, passionate, animated, sarcastic not malicious and I’m light with the laughter. I smile, a lot. I am loud you are not. I’m a big loving heart that wants to express, I know your heart is the same so maybe this was a test to see you and me if we can be, but do it right, I’m not closing the door or saying good night to the chance of our life to be man and wife but to do it right oh love to do it right.
I want to love you, to need you, to believe in you and to see you grow into the man that God has in plan. Will we be husband and wife? We might if we do it right. Step back and take time, not let money or distance dictate our steps. Can we get it together this was only a test that we did not fail. We are learning and growing, be patient I say to us and give God back the wheel. To be together I will treasure but only if it’s real. And only time will tell so I don’t count you out, your still the man that moved my soul and made me want to shout I’m in love, forever I found him my man, and love in my heart that still can be the plan.
Let’s get ourselves together and maybe we might have the right to fight for our love but not in a night. Good seed and good soil. It is required for love to grow, slowly not in a few hours of I love you and you love me so it’s settled just like that, no it didn’t work for you or me.
I am open to you and want us to be, if you don’t shut the door than maybe we will see the possibility of our lives really becoming one. Based on faith, fun and laughter, responsibility here and after until the time is right for us to take flight. I hope you keep our love alive and don’t shut the door. It does not have to be over but it has to be mature and that happens over time. You can’t rush time. When and if you come to me and I to you it will be done with integrity, dignity too. Not rushed because of situations that We want to change but because we do the work both the love and the pain of changing and healing and growing and knowing that no matter what we are on each others side, never to question a look or some quiet or a gesture or anything. We just know and trust each other and maybe one day we will get there and that is the love we both deserve.
Are you in it? Even from a distance? I miss you already and I love you more deeply because I know you more intimately and I thank you. Thank You.
M
Mother
There are not enough words in the English language to define the person you are to me. There’s not enough emotions to share or compare that can shine light or insight to you Mother you see.
The first words that come to my mind, when I think of you are compassion, self-sacrifice and love. Always ready to listen, not judge, to help and to pray to God above, on my behalf… Thank you.
As a child I did not know the road you walked, you hummed as you trudged along. Always a smile in the morning light after a night dark you just made it right… you just DID.
I now know how difficult life can be, because I am a mother now too. I am grateful to God that my child is not me, because mom you’re a true warrior, I would break me… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for the years of pain.
You taught me to believe in God, can I say anymore? The foundation of my life, when there’s trials and strife and everyday feels like a chore…What else is more important or practical than that?
Not once have I heard you complain through your pain that would drive one insane you just didn’t. I never heard you curse, saw you drink or converse with defeat… You keep moving.
I will never know the experience of you, I look on from an observers seat. Grace under pressure and never a rester, right now I want to rub your feet….And kiss them.
Why God gave you to me I will never know, one day I will ask Him face to face. With a smile, a soft touch, the Comforter will whisper, my child to show you my Grace…You are that.
Thank you Mother…. For it all.
The first words that come to my mind, when I think of you are compassion, self-sacrifice and love. Always ready to listen, not judge, to help and to pray to God above, on my behalf… Thank you.
As a child I did not know the road you walked, you hummed as you trudged along. Always a smile in the morning light after a night dark you just made it right… you just DID.
I now know how difficult life can be, because I am a mother now too. I am grateful to God that my child is not me, because mom you’re a true warrior, I would break me… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for the years of pain.
You taught me to believe in God, can I say anymore? The foundation of my life, when there’s trials and strife and everyday feels like a chore…What else is more important or practical than that?
Not once have I heard you complain through your pain that would drive one insane you just didn’t. I never heard you curse, saw you drink or converse with defeat… You keep moving.
I will never know the experience of you, I look on from an observers seat. Grace under pressure and never a rester, right now I want to rub your feet….And kiss them.
Why God gave you to me I will never know, one day I will ask Him face to face. With a smile, a soft touch, the Comforter will whisper, my child to show you my Grace…You are that.
Thank you Mother…. For it all.
DID YOU KNOW?
Did you know that all that you are and all that you do
is a witness to the God that is living in you? Your
light is so bright your inspiration so real that it’s
clear to all around you both far and so near… you
shine, you can’t help it!
Did you know that your students, yes Your boys and
girls are infected, reflective of God’s Holy Word? You
live it you breathe it you give so generously, how
could they not know that their purpose is He… you
teach it daily!
Did you know you not only teach phonics and numbers,
coloring and reading and friendship and wonder? Yes
it’s true you teach these but your mission is bigger
the foundation you set is a much bigger vision… and
the world needs and thanks you.
Did you know on those days when you were weary and
tired, you didn’t want to get out of bed, you didn’t
want to be bothered. You wanted to stay warm, with
your man in your bed, but you got up, got dressed and
you marched on ahead… to help create destinies.
Did you know these are your children, believe me it’s
true, they may not come out of the body that’s
physically you. They come to you from God because He
always knew, He could trust you with them and I trust
you too. I thank Him and Praise Him for all of His
Wisdom… to use you.
Did you know that you are a mother, a teacher and
friend, a role model, a nurse, a first crush again and
again? A comic, a disciplinarian, a shoulder to cry on,
a cheerleader, book reader the list never ends… and
they can’t get Jen Gleason from anyone else.
We don’t know how they will grow or the paths that
they will choose, a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a
mini-you. A writer, a poet, a ceo or a pastor their
future started bright for them you filled them with
laughter and wisdom... I wish you could teach the
world.
WHAT YOU DO IS SO IMPORTANT JEN, DON’T EVER DOUBT
THAT… THANK YOU, TRULY, THANK YOU.
Mary Gulivindala, Parent
Central Florida Christian Academy
Pre-K5 2007-2008
is a witness to the God that is living in you? Your
light is so bright your inspiration so real that it’s
clear to all around you both far and so near… you
shine, you can’t help it!
Did you know that your students, yes Your boys and
girls are infected, reflective of God’s Holy Word? You
live it you breathe it you give so generously, how
could they not know that their purpose is He… you
teach it daily!
Did you know you not only teach phonics and numbers,
coloring and reading and friendship and wonder? Yes
it’s true you teach these but your mission is bigger
the foundation you set is a much bigger vision… and
the world needs and thanks you.
Did you know on those days when you were weary and
tired, you didn’t want to get out of bed, you didn’t
want to be bothered. You wanted to stay warm, with
your man in your bed, but you got up, got dressed and
you marched on ahead… to help create destinies.
Did you know these are your children, believe me it’s
true, they may not come out of the body that’s
physically you. They come to you from God because He
always knew, He could trust you with them and I trust
you too. I thank Him and Praise Him for all of His
Wisdom… to use you.
Did you know that you are a mother, a teacher and
friend, a role model, a nurse, a first crush again and
again? A comic, a disciplinarian, a shoulder to cry on,
a cheerleader, book reader the list never ends… and
they can’t get Jen Gleason from anyone else.
We don’t know how they will grow or the paths that
they will choose, a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a
mini-you. A writer, a poet, a ceo or a pastor their
future started bright for them you filled them with
laughter and wisdom... I wish you could teach the
world.
WHAT YOU DO IS SO IMPORTANT JEN, DON’T EVER DOUBT
THAT… THANK YOU, TRULY, THANK YOU.
Mary Gulivindala, Parent
Central Florida Christian Academy
Pre-K5 2007-2008
Mature Love
Love is a process a journey an exploration at this time in my life I want it to be the foundation of my everything. I had been traveling on this road, unfortunately without a map, trying my hardest to be loved and trying to get it back. That love was ordinary, mediocre, definitely not the highest level of love.
But I was doing what I knew, which was trying to woo you and letting others dictate to me what love was. I was used.
I thought I had the real thing when I received that wedding ring and with all the best intentions we stepped into convention of married life. Me a wife.
I practiced what I thought was love but it was not from God above so it failed. God has to be in it or it’s stale, second best, gasping for air, B-
listed.
I’ve heard it said that no one person can fully please another, and I agree with that that’s why I need a lover who doesn’t expect and neglect me for another so he can feel fulfilled.
I want a lover that will sacrifice the desires of another because we share something sacred and we know that it is powerful and radical. I want to love a man so much that I happily sacrifice my stuff and focus on what we have, not what we have not.
I have all of him and he has all of me. We can just relax and be we, and if we were to add a three, it would be God, the only other person I would have in our bed, our sacred trinity. Us three, God, him and me.
Is this old fashioned, not attainable, not liberated? To me its extra ordinary more radical than dated. Open minded, open your mind to that, very few do today because their feeling “lack”. Do you really think you will find it there? You might I won’t, my love you can’t compare.
I will be his everything and give him all of me. If there is a need, desire or want please give that burden to me. I will do my best to fill it and if I can’t you know I tried and that is enough for him. He loves me and I him.
Only the lucky ones live this way and yes they do exist, I see it when they stand side by side it’s the look in their eyes as they look to each other
and not to some other temporary distraction that is a thief, it’s not liberating just relief from your fear of mature love.
But I was doing what I knew, which was trying to woo you and letting others dictate to me what love was. I was used.
I thought I had the real thing when I received that wedding ring and with all the best intentions we stepped into convention of married life. Me a wife.
I practiced what I thought was love but it was not from God above so it failed. God has to be in it or it’s stale, second best, gasping for air, B-
listed.
I’ve heard it said that no one person can fully please another, and I agree with that that’s why I need a lover who doesn’t expect and neglect me for another so he can feel fulfilled.
I want a lover that will sacrifice the desires of another because we share something sacred and we know that it is powerful and radical. I want to love a man so much that I happily sacrifice my stuff and focus on what we have, not what we have not.
I have all of him and he has all of me. We can just relax and be we, and if we were to add a three, it would be God, the only other person I would have in our bed, our sacred trinity. Us three, God, him and me.
Is this old fashioned, not attainable, not liberated? To me its extra ordinary more radical than dated. Open minded, open your mind to that, very few do today because their feeling “lack”. Do you really think you will find it there? You might I won’t, my love you can’t compare.
I will be his everything and give him all of me. If there is a need, desire or want please give that burden to me. I will do my best to fill it and if I can’t you know I tried and that is enough for him. He loves me and I him.
Only the lucky ones live this way and yes they do exist, I see it when they stand side by side it’s the look in their eyes as they look to each other
and not to some other temporary distraction that is a thief, it’s not liberating just relief from your fear of mature love.
God's Timing
Who can figure out God’s timing
Or the reason why
He placed you in my life right now
To only say goodbye.
We meet at such a time as this
Our plans seem set apart
Yet there’s a place that you have touched
That lives inside my heart.
How can this be, the timing’s brief
I feel it is not fair
But God’s in charge of everything
His timing I don’t dare/to question/debate/fight or not trust
I surrendered long ago
To God His wisdom concerning us
I know C, I just know
He loves us both and wants the best
A life of love that’s truly blessed and if we’re meant to be as one
Our God’s the one to get it done
So I’ll wait and see just what will be of you and me of us
I’ll do it patiently with grace with dignity, a must
This will not be an easy task I want to know you more
To be with you to have the chance to show you I adore
The man you are the one you’ll be I want to be there yes to see the victory of loyalty
And what could become of you and me
To spend time in your presence and to truly be your friend
Love, honor, trust, support a must these things I don’t pretend
I do not do them perfectly I practice strive and learn
But C with you a good start it’s true a middle and I hope a happy end.
In His Timing
Or the reason why
He placed you in my life right now
To only say goodbye.
We meet at such a time as this
Our plans seem set apart
Yet there’s a place that you have touched
That lives inside my heart.
How can this be, the timing’s brief
I feel it is not fair
But God’s in charge of everything
His timing I don’t dare/to question/debate/fight or not trust
I surrendered long ago
To God His wisdom concerning us
I know C, I just know
He loves us both and wants the best
A life of love that’s truly blessed and if we’re meant to be as one
Our God’s the one to get it done
So I’ll wait and see just what will be of you and me of us
I’ll do it patiently with grace with dignity, a must
This will not be an easy task I want to know you more
To be with you to have the chance to show you I adore
The man you are the one you’ll be I want to be there yes to see the victory of loyalty
And what could become of you and me
To spend time in your presence and to truly be your friend
Love, honor, trust, support a must these things I don’t pretend
I do not do them perfectly I practice strive and learn
But C with you a good start it’s true a middle and I hope a happy end.
In His Timing
Unconditional Love
This love is given to me everyday. Freely. I am
humbled by its pureness, its lack of motive, its
generosity and consistency. It comes in a very small
package and yet it is huge and expansive.
In spite of the way I am feeling. In spite of the fact that I had a long and laborious day that started at 5:30 am, that I am still trying to catch up from the days work before, and in spite of my grumpy, grouchy outburst and nastiness, this Love is still given.
Sometimes I try to destroy it or ignore it because I feel so guilty about my own lack of ownership of it, this Unconditional Love.
I am never enough, not to receive this kind of Love or give it.
This kind of love is meant for “perfect people”.
People not like me. People who smile all the time.
People that are terminally optimistic. People who can
hold their tongues and not drop sarcasm.
Once in a while I might be that person. But at the end of the day, honestly, usually, I am not. I am a growling dog who just wants to be left alone and when not, I bark. I bark at this love.
I judge myself and feel shame. I don’t like who I am in those moments. But this is about unconditional Love, not me. This Love wasn’t taught to the giver. I don’t know if this kind of Love can be taught. I think it can be modeled, or one can be an example of it, but I believe it is present at birth and either grows in consciousness, gets stuck in sleep mode or it dies in fear. I believe it is God. We all posses it at birth, and we are it, this Unconditional Love.
Then life steps in and distracts it, the reality is that it can get buried or stripped away, lost or misplaced, ignored and feared. It can be thought to be a weakness. But it is not, it is strength. And the little and pure of heart know this naturally.
It is shown to me through the heart of a nine year old boy, my son Ravi. He never ceases to amaze me. When I walk into the room he is always so happy to see me. Even after we just had a fight that sounds like “you need to eat”, “hurry up”, “you forgot your book again?” All spoken at very loud volumes. Two breaths later he is fine and full of Love and I am the one who stays hard.
This boy of mine, at nine, still smiles when I come into the room, he still wants me to tuck him in at night and when I’m depressed and tired in bed, he rubs my back and says “It’s going to be alright mom, you have me”. It’s overwhelming.
I see this love in his eyes. They are so pure and curious. I have looked into those eyes for the last nine years and the still hold all the innocence of the first time.
So my question is this, how do I not let the world take this Love away from him? How does the pain and rejection, the disappointments and let downs that go with growing up not change who he is, this Unconditional Love?
I know the answer, it is God. Ravi knows God. They have a relationship. So, ultimately, who Ravi IS, is out of my control. I can do all the humanly things. The nurturing, the talking, the listening, the parenting but eventually it all comes down to letting go and letting God.
And through Ravi, I see God, who is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
humbled by its pureness, its lack of motive, its
generosity and consistency. It comes in a very small
package and yet it is huge and expansive.
In spite of the way I am feeling. In spite of the fact that I had a long and laborious day that started at 5:30 am, that I am still trying to catch up from the days work before, and in spite of my grumpy, grouchy outburst and nastiness, this Love is still given.
Sometimes I try to destroy it or ignore it because I feel so guilty about my own lack of ownership of it, this Unconditional Love.
I am never enough, not to receive this kind of Love or give it.
This kind of love is meant for “perfect people”.
People not like me. People who smile all the time.
People that are terminally optimistic. People who can
hold their tongues and not drop sarcasm.
Once in a while I might be that person. But at the end of the day, honestly, usually, I am not. I am a growling dog who just wants to be left alone and when not, I bark. I bark at this love.
I judge myself and feel shame. I don’t like who I am in those moments. But this is about unconditional Love, not me. This Love wasn’t taught to the giver. I don’t know if this kind of Love can be taught. I think it can be modeled, or one can be an example of it, but I believe it is present at birth and either grows in consciousness, gets stuck in sleep mode or it dies in fear. I believe it is God. We all posses it at birth, and we are it, this Unconditional Love.
Then life steps in and distracts it, the reality is that it can get buried or stripped away, lost or misplaced, ignored and feared. It can be thought to be a weakness. But it is not, it is strength. And the little and pure of heart know this naturally.
It is shown to me through the heart of a nine year old boy, my son Ravi. He never ceases to amaze me. When I walk into the room he is always so happy to see me. Even after we just had a fight that sounds like “you need to eat”, “hurry up”, “you forgot your book again?” All spoken at very loud volumes. Two breaths later he is fine and full of Love and I am the one who stays hard.
This boy of mine, at nine, still smiles when I come into the room, he still wants me to tuck him in at night and when I’m depressed and tired in bed, he rubs my back and says “It’s going to be alright mom, you have me”. It’s overwhelming.
I see this love in his eyes. They are so pure and curious. I have looked into those eyes for the last nine years and the still hold all the innocence of the first time.
So my question is this, how do I not let the world take this Love away from him? How does the pain and rejection, the disappointments and let downs that go with growing up not change who he is, this Unconditional Love?
I know the answer, it is God. Ravi knows God. They have a relationship. So, ultimately, who Ravi IS, is out of my control. I can do all the humanly things. The nurturing, the talking, the listening, the parenting but eventually it all comes down to letting go and letting God.
And through Ravi, I see God, who is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
What's Your Speed
A man and a woman they meet with hopes of love, they both have belief in the God they serve above
She knows what she wants and also has needs, but what's consuming her thoughts is his rhythm and speed.
How fast or how slow will they proceed? Is it stop and then go, she will give him the lead and hope he's not slow but steady and ready to grow into what might be the reality of a love for all eternity.
The process is that, a process, it will not lack getting to know who he is, what he dreams of, does he want kids? What's your favorite food? Do you watch TV or is it music and me? Can we play, can we fight, and is God the center of his life? He has to be because He is for me and that walk must be shared by the man that I care and dare to go forward, with him, tall and slim, I want to adore him.
So I surrender it all and show up and stand tall, I believe if he is for me he will catch me when I fall.
And I him.
What's the speedometer reading?
She knows what she wants and also has needs, but what's consuming her thoughts is his rhythm and speed.
How fast or how slow will they proceed? Is it stop and then go, she will give him the lead and hope he's not slow but steady and ready to grow into what might be the reality of a love for all eternity.
The process is that, a process, it will not lack getting to know who he is, what he dreams of, does he want kids? What's your favorite food? Do you watch TV or is it music and me? Can we play, can we fight, and is God the center of his life? He has to be because He is for me and that walk must be shared by the man that I care and dare to go forward, with him, tall and slim, I want to adore him.
So I surrender it all and show up and stand tall, I believe if he is for me he will catch me when I fall.
And I him.
What's the speedometer reading?
Gratitude
Gratitude is an attitude, a choice of thinking and perception
Many times life’s circumstance will leave me with deception of hopeless, loss, not enough, you know the words, but put gratitude in my attitude and it changes my whole world.
God
Life
Friends
Family
Pets
Sunshine
Rain
Nature
Even pain, just off the top of my head. Look at all I have and peace in spite of dread.
So gratitude is an attitude, I thought that summed it up until recently a wise old drunk told me that was not enough…
Gratitude is an action word.
Many times life’s circumstance will leave me with deception of hopeless, loss, not enough, you know the words, but put gratitude in my attitude and it changes my whole world.
God
Life
Friends
Family
Pets
Sunshine
Rain
Nature
Even pain, just off the top of my head. Look at all I have and peace in spite of dread.
So gratitude is an attitude, I thought that summed it up until recently a wise old drunk told me that was not enough…
Gratitude is an action word.
Single Mother...Part 1
Single Mother how can this be, this was not supposed to be my reality.
You see, I was raised by Betty Crocker, to cook, clean and wash, make all of the beds, feed the kids and speak soft.
I was never told I could be a doctor a lawyer or a judge, a CEO I knew not of. But I could learn to make fudge and brownies and meatloaf, mashed potatoes with peas, this was to be my life. I was happy and I was prepared to become a loving loyal wife
It was a dream that came true, that day when I and you said I do and I did and you didn’t, you couldn’t be in it. All the noise with the kids, diapers and dogs, the grass is always greener in someone else’s back yard.
So you didn’t and I still do, I do it alone yes it’s true. I’m not hateful or rageful or angry or hurt. See I’m done with all that I did all my work and I still do so I can be true to me and my boys. They are the focus of my life filled with toys and noise.
And it’s hard, yes it is. I pump myself up sometimes just to put on a smile, when I hear them enter the room because that is what matters. And at the deep part of my soul I feel guilty because I don’t want to do it alone. People say “you are not the only one” well honey I sleep with one, Me. And it is lonely you see. This is not the life that I planned. I feel side swiped, blind sided; he ripped out the carpet right where I stand.
I’m doing life a day at a time the best that I can. How much can I do? Get a job, wake the kids, walk the dogs, clean the house, be the driver and the coach and come on where’s the pot roast? I can’t be daddy. I can’t be daddy.
So the dream was shattered yes that is completely true, I don’t like it at all but what can I do? I can wake up in the morning and stumble to my feet, put the coffee on without skipping a beat, walk the dogs, wake the kids, put on a smile before the morning quiz, over waffles for breakfast then into the car off to the races, girl breathe your not far from being where you are. Now.
You see, I was raised by Betty Crocker, to cook, clean and wash, make all of the beds, feed the kids and speak soft.
I was never told I could be a doctor a lawyer or a judge, a CEO I knew not of. But I could learn to make fudge and brownies and meatloaf, mashed potatoes with peas, this was to be my life. I was happy and I was prepared to become a loving loyal wife
It was a dream that came true, that day when I and you said I do and I did and you didn’t, you couldn’t be in it. All the noise with the kids, diapers and dogs, the grass is always greener in someone else’s back yard.
So you didn’t and I still do, I do it alone yes it’s true. I’m not hateful or rageful or angry or hurt. See I’m done with all that I did all my work and I still do so I can be true to me and my boys. They are the focus of my life filled with toys and noise.
And it’s hard, yes it is. I pump myself up sometimes just to put on a smile, when I hear them enter the room because that is what matters. And at the deep part of my soul I feel guilty because I don’t want to do it alone. People say “you are not the only one” well honey I sleep with one, Me. And it is lonely you see. This is not the life that I planned. I feel side swiped, blind sided; he ripped out the carpet right where I stand.
I’m doing life a day at a time the best that I can. How much can I do? Get a job, wake the kids, walk the dogs, clean the house, be the driver and the coach and come on where’s the pot roast? I can’t be daddy. I can’t be daddy.
So the dream was shattered yes that is completely true, I don’t like it at all but what can I do? I can wake up in the morning and stumble to my feet, put the coffee on without skipping a beat, walk the dogs, wake the kids, put on a smile before the morning quiz, over waffles for breakfast then into the car off to the races, girl breathe your not far from being where you are. Now.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Angelina Jolie Eyes
My new favorite hobby is to watch the makeup tutorials on youtube.com and search for the stars makeup looks. I don’t really wear much make up anymore. I don’t have reason too. It seems like so much work and very time consuming. The thought of me standing in my small bathroom putting on my “face” does not appeal to me. When I was a showgirl in Las Vegas I loved to put on my show make up. I had a great dressing room with my own vanity, the kind with the lights all around the mirror. I had lots of room and I could sit down. It was all so glamorous.
I would arrive an hour and a half before curtain and leisurely prepare myself with potions, lotions and make up. Of course I had to wear very big, very long, fake eyelashes and I had a bittersweet relationship with them. However once I got the hang of them they looked great. It’s the taking them off that can get yucky. I am not a Las Vegas showgirl anymore and I haven’t put on false lashes since 1996.
I really like the tutorials on applying makeup on you tube. Some of the teachers are really great and when they finish whatever they are teaching, they look really great. It’s all so simple so I thought.
Today I tried to make my eyes look like Angelina Jolies. Who wouldn’t want to look like Angelina Jolie? Society has deemed her the most beautiful woman and pop culture worships her so of course I choose her first time out of the gate.
I had to improvise with my own makeup colors since I didn't have the exact same colors the expert used. I would love to have vanilla and cinnamon and honey on my pallet of colors but I don’t. Have you noticed that most makeup and hair colors are names of condiments? It’s good marketing, I love to eat. I also don’t have the tools these experts use, the brushes. I usually use one brush for everything if and when I use one. The pros have an arsenal of brushes.
So I begin to create my Angelina face and wallah. I’m finished. Much to the comedic horror to all that are about to gaze upon me, I do not have the beautiful cat eyes that AJ. has. Now, I am running out the door literally to get the boys and take them to the dentist when I decide that trying to "scrub" my eyes clean would be:
a) too time consuming and b) might leave my looking like Rihanna. So keys in hand I go racing around looking for my keys when I realize, I can't find my sunglasses.
Just a day in my life.
What's going on in yours?
PRECIOUS
We are all precious in God’s loving eyes
And I know there is not one that He will deny
But I’m angry and sad with tears in my eyes
When I see the struggle and pain all around to survive
I often go through life without a dollar in my pocket
For days I go on and nobody knows
I have never gone hungry or homeless not once
But I have had many days that I’ve felt all alone
I’m confused why so many are poor, homeless and hungry
Why evil is rampant and running among us
Why some people never will know abuse
And others of us know it as our personal truth
Hopeless, fear, abandoned and discarded
Babies among us are often disregarded
As someone else’s problem to fix
While many are living in pretty houses made of sticks
There are many so many whose struggle is far harder
Whose days feel much longer and road is much farther
I am blessed truly blessed for the life that I have
For the scars I’ve endured the injuries I’ve had
Without my history I would not be me
A women who has compassion for pain and disease
For sorrow and darkness and sadness and shame
I relate at some level I cannot complain
I know we’re all precious in God’s tender eyes
I believe and will continue to the day that I die
I won’t get the answers to why God oh why
But I’ll trust Him to help me help others to thrive
Not just survive.
10/20/2009
And I know there is not one that He will deny
But I’m angry and sad with tears in my eyes
When I see the struggle and pain all around to survive
I often go through life without a dollar in my pocket
For days I go on and nobody knows
I have never gone hungry or homeless not once
But I have had many days that I’ve felt all alone
I’m confused why so many are poor, homeless and hungry
Why evil is rampant and running among us
Why some people never will know abuse
And others of us know it as our personal truth
Hopeless, fear, abandoned and discarded
Babies among us are often disregarded
As someone else’s problem to fix
While many are living in pretty houses made of sticks
There are many so many whose struggle is far harder
Whose days feel much longer and road is much farther
I am blessed truly blessed for the life that I have
For the scars I’ve endured the injuries I’ve had
Without my history I would not be me
A women who has compassion for pain and disease
For sorrow and darkness and sadness and shame
I relate at some level I cannot complain
I know we’re all precious in God’s tender eyes
I believe and will continue to the day that I die
I won’t get the answers to why God oh why
But I’ll trust Him to help me help others to thrive
Not just survive.
10/20/2009
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