Expectation of Relations

To have expectations of a certain relation defined by my imagination leads to the creation of frustration, the power of my flirtations takes a hit, and it’s baffling. Yes, my ego.

This relationship is not a partnership because his fingertips grips my hips, thighs and lips...yes my heart skips, slips and trips into a pit. Resentment.

Seduction is destruction and obstruction to “MY” goal to control, body and soul, convincing myself and him our love is part of the celestial pole. In actuality it’s a cosmic joke. HAHAHA, I’m laughing...not.

Yes we love, laugh and linger, whisper I love you and continue to spend part-time time together me pretending it’s forever, he is more honest than me. He’s a man, does the same definition of love live in man land?

To have peace I must surrender to his gender or “him” or I will continue on this bender, I can’t bear to be a defender or contender to self-deception, my skin is too thin.

So the calamity of my sanity is to live in the solution which is the annoyance of consenting. Acceptance is the answer, the key to an untroubled reality, because God holds the key to what His Will is for me will be.

And it’s not easy trying to buy oranges at a hardware store.

To be continued... See I still haven’t changed and I can keep signing up for pain. Just because I’m enlightened to the situation doesn’t mean I will change, damn aint that a shame?

Greif

The heavy weight of grief is pressing down
The gray cloud lingers in my head and heart
Heaviness is a chore I carry now
Weary to the bone my friend no more

Death is a rite of passage to be honored
Reason intelligence and wit understand
Heart and soul feel like an empty canyon
I look for her but I am here alone

Tis better to love and lose than not to love
Every ounce of pain and sadness I do hold
Wiser warmer loving and alive
Because my friend did not leave me alone

Every step feels like I walk in quick sand
Pull me down swallow me up just drown
Temporary sorrow mourning despair
Soldier on and breathe in fresh new air

Beyond this moment that is an illusion
Heaven waits for self but not today
Life is for the living not the dying
Carry on to brighter better days

Phoenix

Like a phoenix that rises up from the ash
I have been given a second chance Born again
Not only a second but a third, forth and fifth
And my God will forgive me up until the end

My life had been spinning darkly out of control
Hit and run crashes but ego still bold
Invincible not convincible I was young not old
With glamour and money and riches of gold

Inside I was lying and dying so cold
My Spirit was wounded my soul had been sold
Seeking and searching down paths for relief
No rescue was present until I fell off my feet

Hit my knees hard to the floor I cried and pleaded
God help me I need You, who are You, I’m defeated
I lay in a lump crushed crying and broken
Pain was so great my mind was exploding

Then little by little God whispered to me
My child I love you please come follow me
Surrender came quickly I was sick of my way
The white flag was thrown in I was to know Yahweh

Born again I was, I new not what was in store
But I was willing and open and hungry for more
That first date with Jesus was like nothing before
No chanting or meditating had opened this door

I dye to self again and again
When I take my will back I’m a crazed madman
Insanity and demons are waiting and lurking
But I have Jehovah His chain their not jerking

No weapon formed against me will prosper
Who shall separate me from the love of Christ
If God is for me who can be against me
Promises of His love, faithfulness and eternal life

Sleighing dragons slaughtering demons they are still after me
Stronger than before cause they know that I’m free
Of their stronghold and lies I combat with God’s Word
The Bible my blueprint my praises are heard

Jesus told me the path would be narrow not easy
It’s hard there’s temptation a slick road to hell
I visited hell recently when I lost my way
The price that I paid be my final farewell

God is faithful He waited and stayed
Right by my side until I turned back His way
Like the phoenix that rises out of the ash
Through the fire once again I resurrected Amen

Boys To Men

Trying to raise boys into men
No time to put paper with pen

Sitting on the dock of the bay
As my sons’ flip flop floats away

Earlier this morning the same bay took our kite
I surrender to this bay and choose to not fight

I’m reminded just how small that I am
I learn this lesson again and again

Just keeping it simple like this poem is my plan
While raising my boys as they grow into men.

Happy Birthday To Me... August 10

Today is the day that God choose to say let this soul enter the world I will make her a baby girl.

So I came down from heaven into a family of seven. I screamed to be heard with rebellion not words. Always running away, couldn’t stay, not those days anyways. Self-destructing so glorious my intensity uproarious, the world was my stage the spotlight my cage.

Someone love me, someone see me, someone hear me someone need me. The tricks and the games all ended the same in shame where I remained until I surrendered my fame.

The omission of submission lead to death and division. I wanted life, truth and right not poverty of soul and worldly strife. I called out to God though I knew Him not well. I begged and I pleaded completely defeated and I learned that I needed only Him.

I practiced reliance, alliance and compliance to align us, the only way I know for complete victory. So to walk down His path my will would be smashed, bashed and crashed to finally collapse into an egoless state practiced constantly while I march to the golden gates of His throne room when I pass.

From this world full of illusion it brings me confusion and I don’t need more bruising so I try again and again. His will be done. He loves me, He sees me, He hears me, He needs me to trust only in Him and when I finally did begin I didn’t need to run.

God is the greatest gift I will ever receive so I don’t need any presents. All Glory to the one and only Risen Son.

Eagles Wings

I met a girl in a lake today
On her arm was inked a tattoo
It was an image of a bird of prey
An eagle proud and true

This girl thought she had clipped its wings
Because she did not fly
The sky was bright and crystal blue
But yet she choose to hide

For when she flew the wind blew strong
She spiraled out of control
This bird she didn’t know what to do
The wind it blew so cold

Scared, confused and left alone
She tried to mask the pain
Forgetting that this bird was strong
Her Spirit had been slain

This eagle once was full of courage
The sky belonged to her
This bird, proud bird, strong bird did flourish
No wind would keep her home

Oh bird, glorious bird, please leave your nest
The sky it cries for you
Take flight and soar above your fear
The wind it needs you too

Your wings aren’t clipped

July 13, 2010

The Smell In My Sheets

The Smell In My Sheets

The smell in my sheets from the night before
Shared together we started an alluring rapport
Musky and sweaty and sticky and sweet
You take me and make me feel fully complete

The hot sex you capture, enrapture, go deep
And repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat
To the place of all woman and man inside out
Juicy, wet, sticky, messy and dirty I shout

I moan and groan as you thrust fully present
Vulnerable, exposed, faulty, not rejected
Imperfect and flawed go beyond the façade
When we are together we’re running outlaws

There's no holding back, not shy or meek
Abandon my body, my mind, to our heat
You take me and make me I surrender the zone
Your power excites me and I’m fully known

I drift into memories of what we have shared
And find myself floating with you being there

In my sheets




June 27, 2010

There Is None Like She and There Will Never Be

June 11, 2010

There Is None Like She and There Will Never Be

I have a very good friend of mine actually she’s the tops
We met years ago on a hectic day, when I saw her I had to stop
I walked in and said "hello nice to meet you" her welcome to me was pure joy
I knew then and there we were destined soul mates and that we would then walk out the door

The moment we met and now 14 years later we never have had a fight
I’ve ripped into her a few times thats true but she responded in pure loving light
My agenda to bring her into my life was I knew that I needed a friend
What she’s brought to my life has been so much more I’m in debt to her up to the end

See she saved my life literally yes she did, I was living in darkness alone
I was isolated, confused, abandoned by me, I couldn’t even pick up the phone
Depression moved in, I was starting to spin, light too much for my soul to bare
But when I brought her in she was bigger than me and I had to deliver on my plan

I was in New York City a hustling bustling town I had made that city my home
The people the sites the noise and bright lights and yet still I felt alone
The glamour, the people, the culture, the vibe; laughter interaction is right by my side
How could this be with excitement everywhere that I would be stricken with my soul’s despair?

So I let her move in and we started a life I would wake up and grumble I don’t have the fight
She would just nudge me and patiently wait till I got on my feet to start a new day
“A walk in the park sounds like fun” she would say and I so had to fight the words “please go away”
“Just one walk at a time it might change your mood” and it did she was right we began a routine.

Three times a day we would go to the park and slowly I crept on out of my dark
Sun, rain, and wind we would get up and go, out of the door and on with the show
I always had her by my side when I felt awkward talking to others standing by
What she taught me is get up and get out, get moving, all is well if you only will start

That first year of friendship she changed my life
I lived in the daytime and not the nightlife
Our relationship continues it is so bigger than me
Every big event wedding, babies, divorce, moves, she never craggy
She just flows how I roll and is always just she

The years have been kind to my beautiful friend
This life is not forever there will come an end
She’s slowing down with the physical stuff
Her hips and her eyes and her fears are getting rough
but we handle them with dignity and grace

She IS wisdom, grace, peace, joy, love and bliss
she IS an angel a messenger of faith
she lays asleep on the floor snoring, not cause she’s bored but because all is well in this race

She is my dog Lucy

These words are inadequate.

Single Mother- Part Two

Single Mother- Part Two

Single mother how can this be this is not supposed to be my reality
But it is today there are just three, Ravi, James and finally me
I am mom and dad everyday
Which used to make me sad but not today
I don’t know how I do it raise two boys alone
I get through it and choose it I sit on my throne

A Queendom I run like a well-oiled machine
I have glitches and misses and days where I scream
My castle in humble not grand like before
But I’m happy and content since he walked out the door.

Is there a King out there waiting for me
Do I want him to meet me or will I just flee
No today’s not the time I have children to raise
I will sacrifice my self for their stability not praise

This life that I live that was changed years ago
I’ve nourished and flourished when I finally let go
Of expectations and dreams that did not come true
Today I’m dreaming of me and not of “you”

I move forward straight ahead no turning back I’ve shut the door
Single mother, strong mother, It’s my kids I adore.

Ode to Milton

Paradise Lost Re-write

Mans failure to the Omnipotent King
Disguised temptation in a fruit caused death
Led to sorrow, distress and acute sting
Until the Savior Jesus came to test

Bring back to us the place of greatest heirs
The righteous ones who first proclaimed the Truth
And lead us with conviction such as theirs
That out of unrest all will know Your sooth

I ask you Spirit please to guide my way
And use me for your humble oracle
With conviction, honesty not sway
My work and prose be not political

Reveal my sin and cleanse my dirty heart
So I can teach and justify God’s ways
Bring me close so I will never part
Hallelujah all your peoples hearts ablaze

Looked Away

I gazed upon a man so longingly

I wondered if my eyes were playing games

His eyes sparkled like diamonds on the sea

I wanted him or so my heart proclaimed



I hoped that he would look over my way

To start a game of cat and mouse with he

Yet I felt shy I knew I’d look away

He’d sweep away my breath and set me free



When I got bold I saw his big strong arms

He glanced my way and looked upon my neck

One smile from him would wrap me in his charms

His sweet lips how I dreamed that I would peck



But no such thing would happen on that day

Because my love I sadly looked away

The Boast

You the one that boasts the most a coward hiding behind words

Masquerading and parading your misinformed self worth your ego always displaying

To show yourself you’re in your cups fortified by yellow liquid courage

Like the crow that cocks in early morn your gloating so annoying

Be quiet fool the quiet one rules and has the goods of proof and truth

A Queendom won a newborn son a life of servitude

This Queen not mean but wise in Him the One true loving ruler

Priorities straight I stand and await his charge for my consuming

For it is not my will be done but His for I am not worthy

So to boast the most would insult my Father Ghost a waste of time displaying

But I shall boast in Him this time the piper I must pay

Stop your swagger you who blather, get off the pot your refuse is staid

Father

When I think of you father you’re the protector, provider, guardian, breadwinner a man full of honor.

You worked all day long and then toiled in your garden to put food on the table no tomato is finer than yours.

As a child I did not know the sacrifice you made with five kids and a wife a life you did make for us all.

Education, religion, morals and valor you gave these to us I could never be prouder of you. Perseverance in action.

A showman, a songbird, performer with huge personality a poet and sea man your heart always wowing your captive audience.

A story would always come to your lips to share with your family and anyone else who would listen to it. You are a storyteller and a wordsmith.

When I look at my boys, your grandkids so funny, they are smart, clever and witty, they know the value of money. Thanks for the ledger.

I see bits and pieces of you in their smiles, cracking jokes, sneaky blokes, these children you value. Thank you.

Your legacy is me and the rest of your family, the friends you have made and the influence you carry.

We are a piece of you, oh yes that is true, when you look at us all we lead right back to you.

You go on and on.


January 22, 2010

Hope Alive

How do I keep hope alive when all I do is strive to survive? So many days I want to hide, to cry because my dreams feel like lies. So why keep hope alive?

I’m told without hope then what’s the point, live life, be grateful it could be worse. I’m sure.

I know but I question if God will you use me, why He gave me my gifts, my talents and abilities. Not just for me, oh please not just for me.

What do I do with my work and how do I give it? The purpose is for you and that’s why I live it. I want to touch others souls.

Who’s there to benefit from hearing my words? Will they surface, my passions or never be heard? I don’t write for me or maybe I do, who am I kidding, I write it for you. Are you there?

I can’t chase my dream because life is a grind. I don’t have the luxury of self-indulgence or time. Can you feel that I’m frustrated and feeling diminished? It’s my reality, my perception and yes I’m stuck in it, today. But it will change.

So what will I do?

Hope and take actions.